“你为什么站在这里，当着这么多人的面，跑，快跑。”这是我内心的焦虑在说话，每次当我当众说话时，我内心的焦虑就会跑出来扰乱我。即便没有任何事情出错，我还是会感觉到一种铺天盖地的焦虑感向我席卷而来，就像危险永远在角落盯着我一样。几年前，当我还在上大学的时候，我被告知，可能患有SAD（社交恐惧症）。那段时间，我没有告诉任何人，甚至是我的父母、我的大学室友。因为，我对这种精神疾病有一种错误的概念，这会让我感觉自己很弱，这很尴尬，这是别人眼中的耻辱，甚至是一种人格缺陷。我害怕这个事实，我害怕自己变得脆弱不堪，对它的这种恐惧，让我隐藏这个秘密至今，但是，这于事无补。

我的脸会突然变红，我的身体、我的声音会颤抖。但是我不知道这种情况什么时候，或者在面对什么人的时候会发生。所以，有段时间，我干脆尽量避免和所有人接触，我的朋友们不知道我怎么了，他们唯一知道的是，我不再和任何人说话了。但是，事实是，我做不到，哪怕面对很熟悉的人，我也很难说出一句完整的话来。可想而知，日常交流对我而言，也成了一个巨大的挑战。我开始意识到，这个问题是我独自解决不了的。所以我求助于学校的心理医生。经过若干次治疗和在家度过一个假期后，情况有所好转。但是，我依旧是一个和SAD不断斗争的人。

这是一种疾病，这是一种永无休止的斗争。而且这种疾病，不像其他疾病那样，一次治愈后，将来都不怎么会反复发作。这种东西会一直伴随着你，它就像是一个室友，你不能把它踢出去，它又像一种你无法忽视的声音，你无法摆脱它。对它的这种恐惧让我感觉到，我好像被逼到了角落，而那里只有一个出口，这些想法，随时随地出现在我的脑海。只是，我不能够把这种感觉放在角落，而且假装，它不在那里，期待着，有一天它会自动治愈。好吧，它是不会自动消失的，过去不会，现在不会，将来更不会。期待它有一天自己消失的这种想法，是一厢情愿的，甚至是一种拖延。

解决问题的第一步，是承认问题的存在。我不再刻意掩饰我的这种焦虑，我也知道我不可能掌控它，所以我试着接受，也向我周围的人寻求帮助，而不是向以前一样，将我和它一起藏起来。或许，一开始我所构想的，解决掉这个问题后，一切就会变得不一样，这个想法，从一开始就是错的，任何时候，做任何事情，都是会有各种问题和麻烦的，我们应该做的不是想办法让所有问题消失，而是应该学会与问题共存。现在，SAD还是会时不时的冒出来，找我麻烦，但是我学会了，当它出现的时候，以适当的方法去应对，而不是在它没有出现的时候，就做些无畏的担心，我也学会了向朋友们寻求帮助，告知他们，我有这方面的问题，我的朋友们，也都能够给予我理解和支持。很多时候，我们害怕的不是坏事本身，而是由自己的大脑营造出的被放大、添加过的莫须有的恐惧。

从朋友和同事身上我学到了很多。每个人都是一本精妙绝伦的书，在这无甚差别的大环境下，总是能活出不一样的精彩。过去就像手中沙，预留难留；未来就像水中月，缥缈虚幻，最真实，最重要的往往是当下。记得一个有意思的试验，两块间距50公分的木板，放在地面时，大家很容易从一块木板跨越到另外一块木板，但是当同样距离的两块木板，被放到5米的高空时，却很少有人能够成功跨越。这个问题的关键在于专注，当到高空时，我们的注意力被其他很多东西分散，我们的恐惧，周围的风，往下看时那种头晕目眩的感觉等等，这个时候我们关注的已经不仅仅是另外一块木板的位置，若是我们能够收回思绪，摒除杂念，只关注下一块木板的位置时，我们就能轻松的跨越。专注于当下，遇到问题，并解决问题，如此循环往复，或许这就是生活。

这世上没有什么是完美的，但是我们可以改变我们看待事物的方式。所谓塞翁失马，焉知非福。从同事和朋友这里，我得到了极大的鼓励，是时候下定决心直面自己的焦虑，接受自己的性格缺陷，我就是我。我也不再为过去所经历的而感怀，相反，我还要感谢这些经历，每一个经历的背后，都隐藏着生活想要告诉我们的一个道理。想到这里，也就没什么可遗憾和抱怨的，我们所经历的，都是我们必然要经历的，且努力看看吧。

What are you doing on this stage, in front of all these people? That's the voice of my anxiety talking. Each time when I give a speech in front of the public, it appears, disturbing me. Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom, like danger lurking around the corner. A few years ago, when I was in college, I was diagnosed with SAD(which is social anxiety disorder).there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, even my parents and my roommates. I had the misconception that this is a sign of weakness, a character flaw. It's a shame. It's an embarrassment. It's the stigma inside of others. I feared the truth. I feared my vulnerability. That's what makes me hold it and hide it. I keep it and hide it, but it didn't seem to help.

My face turned red, my voice and body were shaking, but I didn't know when and where this would happen. So during that period, I avoided contact with anyone around me. They didn't know what's wrong with me. The only thing they knew was that I didn't speak to anyone. But the truth was I can't. I can't say even one complete sentence even though in front of people I knew well. As you can imagine, even daily communication also became problematic. I have begun to realize that I couldn't solve the problem by myself. I started to seek help from my school psychologist after several treatments and a summer vacation spent at home. Things got better. But I still was someone who struggled intensely with SAD.

This is the sickness; it's the struggle, and this kind of sickness isn't like others. You couldn’t beat it once, and it's gone forever. It's something you live with. It's something you live in. It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore. It's the feelings you can't seem to escape. This kind of fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, and there was only one way out. I thought about it every single day. I can't just push it aside, put it in a corner, pretend it's not there, and hope it'll fix itself. Well, it won't, it hasn't, and it's not going to because that's wishful thinking; wishful thinking is procrastination.

I no longer cover it because I know that it can’t be controlled by myself, I accept and live with it.At the same time, I seek help from others rather hide with it.Maybe the thought that when it was solved everything will be completely different is wrong. There will always be troubles what we should do is learn how to live with it rather kill it.Now, SAD still pops up from time to time and disturbed me, but I have learned that when it appears, I should use appropriate methods to deal with it, instead of fearlessly worrying about it when it doesn’t appear. I also learned to ask my friends for help, telling them that I have this kind of problem, and my friends could always give me understanding and support. In many situation, what we are afraid of is not the bad things themselves, but the unwarranted fears that have been amplified and added by our own brains.

I learned a lot from friends and colleagues. Everyone is an exquisite book, and in this indistinguishable environment, they can always live a different and wonderful life. The past is like sand between your fingers, it is difficult to reserve; the future is like the moon in the water, illusory, the most real, and the most important is often the present. Remember an interesting experiment. When two wooden boards with a spacing of 50 cm are placed on the ground, it is easy for everyone to cross from one wooden board to another. However, when two wooden boards with the same distance are placed at a height of 10 meters, only few people can successfully cross. The key to this problem is concentration. When we reach high altitude, our attention is distracted by many other things, our fears, the wind around us, the dizzy feeling when looking down, etc. At this time, our attention is no longer where the other board is. If we can pull back our thoughts, get rid of distracting ones, and focus only on the position of the next board, we can easily cross over another board. Focusing on the present, encountering problems, and solving problems, and so on, maybe this is life.

Nothing is perfect, however, we can find perfectness in everything by changing our way of seeing things. I get a lot of encourage from people here, I decide to deal with this anxiety in person, and also, I accept my character flaw, I am who I am, I accept myself completely. I also don’t feel sorry for what I have gone though, these are all my life, and it always tells me something.Maybe just because what we experienced is what we must be.So work as hard as we possibly can, and then see what will happen.